It's finally done guys, I worked really hard on it and I personally think it's very good (my very unbiased opinion), I would very much encourage you to read :)
TW: PTSD, DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF PAIN, PANIC ATTACK, THOUGHT SPIRALLING, DROWNING, SENSORY EXPERIENCES THAT MAY BE OVERWHELMING FOR SOME PPL IDK
Word count: about 2530
<Italics are like this>
Pings:
@SpacedOut925
@QU1NT3$$3NC3
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I laid down on one of our beach chairs, and closed my eyes. I could hear Mitsi's laughter in the distance, over the waves that kept crashing against the shore.
Waves crashing. Everyone else always seemed to find the sounds relaxing, soothing enough to fall asleep to. I never understood that. There was nothing I found relaxing about the colossal force of water, foaming like the mouth of a rabid dog, pummelling against thousands of shards of grainy rock.
The waves kept crashing, on and on and on and on.
Even once I'd leave this beach, I knew they will keep on crashing against the rocks. When I sleep, they will crash. When I wake up, they'll crash. Every second for the rest of my life, and even after I'm dead and gone, they will crash and crash. There's an inherent wrongness to the collosal friction, but it never seemed to bother anybody else.
<That's because its no big deal. It's not supposed to be an issue. I'm making a big deal from nothing.>
I tried to stop thinking about it, barricade my mind against those thoughts, remind myself that today was supposed to be about calm. Tomorrow was going to be big, and today was about rest. But they kept coming. The thoughts could not be stopped. Mitsi's laugh came again from someplace in the water, fainter this time.
<Why can't I just be brave like her? With everything I've gone through, I should be stronger than this. Why am I such a coward?>
Something was building and tightening inside of me, clouding my thoughts. Not the soft, white kind of clouds you'd see in early summer. They're dark and hold a suffocating thickness, both exceedingly cold yet also holding a pressured electricity threatening to tear a white-hot crack into your sanity, but you never know exactly when it'll strike.
I tried to push the feeling back, but it only grew inside my stomach. My veins were overflowing with it.
Because it wasn't just the waves. It was the tectonic plates I knew to be scraping together below me, deep in the Earth. I couldn't hear them, but it was still nails against a chalkboard, except it was instead massive rocks grating across more rock beneath with unparalleled pressure. The mental image that had formed produced the maddening noise in my head, and it just couldn't be shook out.
<Just breathe. Just breathe.>
My breath came faster and faster, and my heartbeat matched pace, the booming coming again and again. Everything was so loud now, but I couldn't hear anything over the waves besides the percussion within my chest. Clamping my eyelids further shut, I attempted to block out anything I could.
That was stupid. Now I was trapped in the complete dark. I tried to open my eyes, but the fear made me incapable. The noise grew louder.
And louder and louder and louder, until the thunder was all that filled my head. I needed to scream, but I was paralyzed in my own panic.
And then I was there. The pain just wearing off from seconds ago, my entire body sudden engulfed in water, replacing the air with the cold, suffocating liquid.
But not just the air around me. Every molecule, every empty space inside of me instantly turned to water.
The entirely of my ear canals flooded in, of which the pain alone could've driven a perfectly respectable stick into utter madness. But that wasn't nearly the worst sensation.
No, that was the agonizing burn of my lungs as they were suddenly filled with liquid.
I tried to cough the water out, only to choke in more water, thrusting my lungs into further agony.
It was far too much pain to bear, but I had no other choice.
The pain's intensity swelled, as an electric stabbing ebbed behind my eyes, dilated pupils darting uncontrollably as my vision blurred.
I clawed at my throat desperately, my whole body thrashing through the water in a hopeless attempt to find any air or escape.
The thing about pain is that when it's bad enough, you can't think about anything else.
All rational thoughts are driven from the mind by pain. But one thought does remain.
'This hurts.'
And that may not sound like much. But.
It is when it's the thought that has consumed your entire being.
It is when it's a scream, crashing into the sides of your skull from within, over and over again.
It is when the entire thought isn't even the words 'this hurts'. Every sound, every letter in the words screamed all at once until it's incomprehensible and unintelligible and un-anything sane.
You don't know the meaning, but you feel it. You feel it in everything that you are.
And as the light faded from my eyes once again, I heard it. I heard it, distorted and sick, from somewhere beyond my prison. His laugh. No, not a laugh even. A chuckle. I've heard it before. I'd hear it again.
Is that what all this was for?
It was a thousand suns crashing and exploding against my mind and heart, all for a speck of his amusement. I should have felt angry. Hateful. But those feelings only came far, far later.
Right then, I just felt like I was drowning. Not just in the water. In my own skin. In the utter hopelessness of my situation.
The waves kept crashing on. I wasn't there anymore. I wasn't really anywhere. But somewhere ahead, I could hear Mitsi's voice, the familiar frequency weaving through the static inside me. I couldn't make out the words, but it cleared my focus just a bit.
Finding the courage to open my eyes, I saw her standing next to me, her bright green eyes full of concern.
"Victor? Can you hear me?"
I could barely move, but I managed to reach out my shaking hand to hold one of hers, which were hesitantly hovering above me, unsure whether to touch me or not.
She gently held it back.
"I'm right here, Victor. You're gonna feel better in just a bit. You'll be alright."
Letting my body relax, the tightness in my chest began to unwind. I could still hear the waves, but with Mitsi besides me, they felt far away.
I don't know how much time passed, but eventually my heart rate slowed, although it's pace was still rapid. Mitsi still stood next to me, and Agent on my other side.
A pang of guilt stung into my gut. It had been a perfect day for them, and I had ruined it.
"I'm sorry," I spoke.
"What? Victor, there is no reason to apologize, dear."
"But there is. It's my fault."
"Victor, listen to me," her voice was stern but gentle. "It's not anyone's fault. It's not that kind of matter. You didn't ruin anything. We'll always be here for you when you need support. I know you'd do the same."
"Yup." Agent agreed.
"Thanks, guys," I said as I shifted to my feet, my legs still wobbly as I stood, "I just really wanted to end this day on a good note. Now I'm going to start tomorrow, of all days, on a bad one."
"We still can have a good day," Agent suggested, a smile forming on his face, "I know just the place. If you're up for it."
"There won't be any waves or bad noises, right?"
"Nope," Agent replied.
"Then count me in," I said with a confidence I didn't feel.
I felt shaken to my core, but I still resolved to go. I wouldn't let this day end like this.
As I stepped off the sand and into the metallic exterior of Agent's truck, I already felt a little lighter. But I still felt a sort of weight in my chest, a lingering feeling that something was very wrong.
I enjoyed riding in cars. There was something hypnotic about watching the landscape pass by. I could zone out and stare through the window forever. The engine used to bother me profoundly, but with every ride, I noticed it less. Now, I lived in a city filled with cars, and drove one every day to work.
Maybe, I had hoped, I would get used to everything one day, like I had with the engine. And nothing would ever bother me anymore.
After a while, the terrain around us began to change.
"Agent?" I asked, just as we bumped over what I think was the trunk of a small fallen tree, "Are we even still on the road?"
"Uh, yeah. It's just one of 'em less-traveled ones," he replied as the front of the car ripped off a tree branch, "Almost there."
He was right, to his credit, as he stopped the car a minute later.
"Come on. It's just a short walk."
The doors swung open as we left the truck. My feet made contact with the soft ground, a mixture of dark soil and decaying leaves that were kicked up as I followed Agent. The air carried a distinct smell I couldn't quite name, but it was quite pleasant and somehow made the air feel lighter.
I could faintly hear water flowing up ahead, over the forest leaves brushing above us in the canopy and the occasional birdsong.
Me and Mitsi followed Agent to a clearing cut through by a small river. The water appeared shallow and flowed at a leisurely pace. At the surface, thin lines of sunlight balanced till they faded at the edge, lapping at the shore as the water gently glided over the smooth pebbles and receded back.
"This is so pretty," Mitsi commented, spinning to take it all in.
The fresh grass was soft beneath my feet, and was wet from dew clinging to the blades, despite it being past midday. The bright green of the grass contrasted with the darker verdant of the oaks at the clearing's edge.
"Nice place, huh?" Agent said, evidently proud he was the one to bring us here.
I released a long exhale I didn't know I had been holding back. He was right. It was nice.
A fish appeared below the clear water, it's grey little body camouflaging almost perfectly with the pebbles beneath it. It paused briefly before it saw me and darted away. I didn't realize I was chuckling until I heard myself.
I looking around, I found Mitsi picking flowers in a patch of daffodils.
"Cool flowers," I commented.
"They are. I'm going to have to come back later to pick more. You see these plants?" She enthusiastically motioned to a patch of bushes, "Peonies. My favorite. They aren't blooming yet, but they'll be beautiful soon."
I studied the plants. They didn't look that special to me, but since she pointed them out, I noticed the large buds among the leaves.
Mitsi continued, "They might even bloom tomorrow. They look really close."
"Well, we'll be busy tomorrow," I remind her.
"There's always the next day."
"True."
"You feeling better?" Mitsi asked, handing me a bunch of cheery daffodils.
"Yeah, actually. It's like, perfect here."
Time passed. Agent took us further up the stream, to a section that was almost completely filled with large rocks that rose above the surface.
"You see these? Perfect for parkour."
Although I was skeptical, Mitsi was already jumping from rock to rock, her feet barely touching them before gliding to the next. I didn't take that as too reassuring-Mitsi made everything look easy. After she noticed I hadn't joined her, she ran back over.
"C'mon, love. This is fun."
She took my hands in hers and led me out.
As usual, Mitsi and Agent were right. The rocks were mostly flat, but also rough and dry, and common enough that one always had multiple options of where to jump to next. I didn't have to hold on to her for long, and quickly found my footing. I soon learned just how to adjust my feet to each surface before I landed, as well as how much energy I should push off with and how much momentum to preserve.
"Nice going, Victor. You're a natural!" I heard Agent compliment.
"Thanks!" I called out, letting it grow my ego. It really wasn't that hard to do, but I still took a certain pride in navigating the rocks. The sun fell gently over us, warming my back. Smiling to myself, I fell into a comfortable rhythm, only thinking of which rock to leap to next, making my path as I went. I stopped near Agent to catch my breath.
"Agent?"
"Yeah?"
"How did you find out about this place?" I asked.
"Just stumbled across it hiking, 'bout a year ago. Just kept it to myself, a special little place for me. But I figured I'd show it to you guys too. What good is anything if you can't share it with friends, right?"
"That's pretty wise."
He snorted before replying, "Yeah, right. You're the smart one."
<That's what they say. Although I doubt it's true.>
After a lot of parkouring, we returned to the clearing. The first thing Mitsi did was run to her peony bush.
"So close. Still not there, though. I'll see you guys soon. You'll be ready, and I'll pick you then," I heard her whisper to a flower bud.
"Talkin' to plants, huh?" Agent teased.
"Hey! These plants listen better than the lot of you!" Mitsi joked back, and we all laughed. That's when I came to the realization that I loved my life. It was something I had known for a while, but it was moments like this, laughing with the love of my life and my other best friend, that I truly felt it. I felt it inside of me and around me, in my bones and in the air I breathed, that in this moment, everything was right in our worlds.
The sun slowly crawled further across the sky. We spent the last hour of daylight skipping stones across the river. They hopped and skidded across the water like they weighed nothing.
Agent held the impressive record of five skips, while me and Mitsi were tied at three.
As she tossed her stone in, she spoke, "We're going to have to go soon. I wish we could stay for the sunset, though."
I looked to the sky, just beginning to ease into pink hues. We had agreed to try to get back in time to get good sleep for the big day tomorrow. "Next time, love. Can't be sleepwalking at our own party, right?"
I threw my stone to the water, watched as it danced across the surface before it plunged under. Three skips. "C'mon, guys. Let's go," Mitsi said, initiating our departure from the paradise, "Four years, come tomorrow. Can't believe it."
Following her, we all left the river behind. The stones we had tossed lay motionless at the bottom, and the ripples they made had faded into the water, erased as if they never existed at all. And there, in the clearing, lay flower bushes, the countless buds holding tucked-away peonies that were never picked.
